It’s July 4th! And you might be ready to retire if…

Published July 4, 2016   Posted in How to Think

It’s July 4th – the day that we Americans celebrate our nation’s Independence Day, so let’s have some fun today, ladies and gents. The wife and I are vacationing in Baja, California at the moment enjoying some time on the beach. Woohoo for vacations!

American flag on the beachIn the spirit of the ol’ Jeff Foxworthy “You might be a redneck” skits, I’m going to bring that concept over to personal finance and early retirement to see just how badly I can butcher what should be a fun way to determine whether or not you are ready to call it quits.

Warning: Jeff Foxworthy was funny.  I, however, am not.  I try to be, but my wife usually just looks over at me and smiles with that, “Gawd you’re an idiot” look on her face.  I have grown accustomed to that look.

But hell, screw it – I’m doing this anyway.  And so, let’s begin.

You might be ready to retire if…

  • Your definition of splurging on entertainment includes an extra round of mini-golf at your local putt-putt panorama
  • You refuse to bathe everyday…not because you can’t afford it, but because you passed your rigorous self-imposed sniff test
  • You apply that same sniff test to your clothes, but interestingly draw the line at socks and underwear
  • Your idea of “gift giving” is a 30-minute rant about a political topic of the other person’s choice
  • You make a lunch out of trollin’ through Costco and helping yourself to their samples; one for you, and one for that imaginary friend behind you
  • You buy those two-ply toilet paper rolls and take the time to separate each ply out into separate rolls; a free roll of TP with every purchase?  Score!
  • Toilet paper?  What in the hell is toilet paper?
  • You find a corporate sponsor for your freakin’ expensive wedding (believe it not, this happens)
  • You can be seen running out of restaurants with sugar and ketchup packets under your shirt ’cause, well, you’ll probably make better use out of those than the restaurant; oh, and the pen, too; and the coffee mug
  • If it’s yellow, let it mellow…if it’s brown, flush it down…umm, yeah, moving right along!
  • When faced with a choice between spending money on a new television or cell phone, you instead ask “Screw you.  Why are these my choices”?
  • You don’t believe that you’re the “cock of the walk”, or the “bee’s knees” of a society who should feel honored in your presence; instead, you realize that the way to get ahead is to provide something of value to society
  • You think of your budget as limits on what you CAN spend rather than what you SHOULD spend
  • You blog online and shamelessly share with others your net worth and saving habits!

What do you think?  You might be ready to retire if…?

We track our net worth using Personal Capital


23 responses to “It’s July 4th! And you might be ready to retire if…”

  1. Great post Steve (and I’m not funny either!) And yep – my brother (who is FI) is the Costco one all the way… For participation’s sake.. You might be ready to retire if –

    You are supposed to be taking notes at the weekly department meeting and you are really on other PF blogger’s sites commenting instead!

    Happy 4th!

  2. Ding, Ding, Ding! Totally ready to retire over here! Have fun in Baja!

  3. Mrs Groovy says:

    ….You sew patches over the holes of your favorite jeans – when you don’t have a sewing machine and stab yourself 10x with a needle in the process.

    …..You’re saving the one jar of green beans you prepared in a canning class over a year ago because you might need them for dinner some day.

    Fun stuff! Happy 4th, Steve. May you and Courtney continue to enjoy freedom!

    • Steve says:

      Thanks Mrs. Groovy! We can’t afford the space anymore to save much stuff, but we were doing the same thing back when we had a house!

  4. Hahaha…hilarious! Also, yes. 😋 Enjoy your vacation!

  5. You might be ready to retire if you keep cups of all you favorite restaurants on hand for free refills. Have a happy and save 4th!

  6. Well, I’m definitely guilty on the last one. Some of the others though…I’m not sure. I’ve never unrolled multiply-tp. 🙂

  7. Lazy FI Guy says:

    You get that look from your wife, too? LOL Yeah, I get the “You’re an idiot” face quite a bit.

    Okay, as far as this list, I can totally get on board with:
    1) giving my clothes the sniff test (mainly just my shorts and t-shirt)
    2) the choice between spending money on a new TV or cell phone (I’m looking to downgrade my phone service and I’ll keep this TV until the screen goes dark)
    3) my budget is definitely a self-imposed limit to what I CAN spend instead of what society thinks I SHOULD spend
    4) and I shamelessly blog, anonymously divulging my net worth and savings habits.

    I guess that means I’m ready to retire. Now, I just need to bring my investments up to a point so that I can. LOL

    • Steve says:

      Hehe, yup – it’s the “I know I married you for a reason, but sometimes I can’t remember what that reason was…” look. 😉

  8. Those sniff-tests sound like some of my students! 😂 Under Armor hoodies for months. Happy 4th and happy vacation! Loving the snaps on social!

  9. ….You annually get the itch to change jobs every year hoping the next will be the one.

    Also, if you make yourself laugh I feel like that’s half the battle. Keep on saving and motivating the rest of us!

  10. Hilarious Steve. I’d suggest you tell your wife that she doesn’t know what she’s talking about, but that probably wouldn’t go so well…

  11. I’ve never been to Baja or anywhere along the Mexican peninsula. Only the mainland. Would love to hear more about it.

    One of my favorite Mexican vacations was when we went down to Zihuatanejo. It’s the little town they escape to in the Shawshank Redemption. It wasn’t a frugal vacation, but it was before kids and before I started thinking about life beyond my paycheck.

    As a fellow resident of the sunny southwest, I am a big fan of beach get-a-ways. Have fun and enjoy.

    • Steve says:

      I had never been to Baja either before this trip. Well worth it, if for no other reason than to escape the punishing heat that’s hitting Arizona this year. I can’t say it’s good to be back in the heat! 🙂

  12. Dave says:

    I was enjoying this until I got to the point about the toilet. I’m somewhat of a clean freak and could never bring myself to “let it mellow”. The thought grosses me out. Excuse me while I go clean my brain with bleach.

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