Anyone can totally rock 2019, right? Things like saving and investing your money. Not spending on frivolous crap. Understanding what makes you happy? Yeah, the basic stuff I clamor on about so much.
Today, let’s flip this sucker on its head and talk about something entirely different. How many different ways are there to totally screw up your new year?
I gave that some thought, and here’s your definitive list of the most clever, sure-fire ways to screw the pooch in 2019.
And, this goes without saying, but this post isn’t mean to be taken seriously! Sorry, but I have to say that this day and age… 🙂
How to screw up your 2019
1. Create a list of resolutions, then proceed to accomplish none of them
Sadly, many of us will do this anyway. Just, naturally. Close to 80% of our new year’s resolutions don’t actually get…
2. Spend as much time in your comfort zones as possible
I believe that we learn much more about life and what we’re capable of by removing ourselves from our comfort zones. After all, these zones make us feel, well, comfortable. Content. Without worry.
To screw up your 2019, remain in those zones as much as possible. Never try anything new. Resist improving your skill set. Just, stay comfortable.
3. Take a month and pretty much buy whatever you want
You only live once, right? Yup, life is short and most of us only have a single life to live. So, why not just throw caution to the wind and buy stuff. Buy whatever you want. Whenever you want it. Don’t think about the price. Instead, think about that smile on your face after you make the purchase.
4. Rack up a bunch of debt to start the year in January
I bet you didn’t think of this one, did you? One of the best and most unique ways to screw up your year is by buying something super expensive and going into debt to begin the year, saddling yourself with the responsibility of getting out of debt for the remainder of the year.
Maybe this is that brand new car (I’ve done that!). Or super expensive watch. Or huge home in the suburbs, nestled comfortably in that ritzy part of town with gold-plated streets and well-manicured yards.
Pro tip: Subscribe to an expensive monthly service plan, too, and then subsequently forget that you did and continue making those monthly payments for the next 12 months. This is how the pros do it.
5. Get trashed at your holiday party and tell your boss to shove up
This one sounds like fun, doesn’t it? At your company’s holiday (Christmas) party, become “one” with the rum and just start drinking it like it’s going out of style. Then, engage your boss in a conversation and suggest where he can put that big project that you don’t have any real interest in working on.
If you still have a job to begin 2019, spend the next several months repairing that delicate relationship that you so epically destroyed with the help of that coconut rum pulsing through your veins.
6. Decide to get active, go mountain biking and break your collar bone
I’m [almost] speaking from experience on this one. A few weeks ago I went mountain biking in Utah and, true to form, went too fast over a hill and sailed completely over the handle bars. I skinned up my hands, nose and knees pretty bad, but luckily, I didn’t break the collar bone.
But, a lot of people do. So for bonus points, break a bone.
7. Withdraw all your money from the market and invest in Bitcoin
The stock market is bound to crash any minute, right? That’s what all the “experts” are saying, anyway. Now’s probably a good time to recklessly withdraw all your net worth and just invest in something stable and consistent, like Bitcoin.
8. Start living on borrowed money and have a little fun!
Credit cards are around for a reason, so maybe we should start using them. Like, hardcore using them. Spend up to your credit limit on every damn card that you have. Each time, buy something that you don’t need but think it’ll be super fun to have.
And, be sure to tell yourself that you’re spending in order to build credit card points to be used for travel.
Money is there to be borrowed, so you might as well borrow it, right?
9. Treat your home equity like your own personal piggy bank
Let’s start having some fun with our homes! Use that home equity as an extra paycheck each month. After all, you need that boat!
10. Experiment by living paycheck-to-paycheck
If you’re already living paycheck-to-paycheck, then you are ahead of the game. But if you aren’t, that’s one way to over-extend yourself. Spend your entire paycheck on stuff. Just, whatever you can find. If you have money left over, that sounds like a perfect opportunity to buy something else.
Or, just go out to a nice dinner.
11. Cancel your gym membership under the guise of “saving money”
That $30 / month that you’re spending on your gym membership is money that could be invested (or spent) instead. Stop spending that money on your physical health and instead just put it away for your retirement.
After all, spending money on gyms is a total waste, right?.
12. Become “house poor” by buying a 4,000 square foot house
The average square footage of a new home is in the neighborhood (<– get it?) of 2,600 square feet. Screw that. Let’s go big or go home (<– zing!). Even if there’s only two of you, 4,000 square feet sounds about right. Buy a huge home that you cannot truly afford, then bask in the glory of all that beautiful square footage.
13. Start believing that you just don’t belong
With anything that you do, make yourself believe that you don’t really belong. That you aren’t good enough. That you might as well not even try because it’s a lost cause. It’s this kind of thinking that builds superstars, after all.
14. Compare yourself in every way to every person you meet
Comparing yourself to other people, all the
Instead of focusing on yourself, try to focus entirely on comparing yourself to other people. Point out how you’re superior or inferior every step of the way. Be relentlessly consistent. Do this all the time.
15. Let your need to be “right” consume your entire life
I made the mistake of overcoming my need to be “right”. In a previous life, the mountains of time I wasted arguing with other people in a veiled attempt to prove my point was time well spent. The frustration I felt, coupled with all that unnecessary stress, was pure gold.
Never give up! Keep arguing. Keep fighting.
16. Make Happy Hour everyhour!
Life is too short not to be happy. So, make happy hour every hour. Cuss out your liver because, well, you probably won’t be using much of that anyway. Just, be happy. Each and every hour.
17. Imagine the things you can do if you clear your mind of “can’t”
So what if that sign cautions you to take that sharp corner at 25 MPH. Or, who cares if there’s 500 pounds of weight on that barbell. Once you clear your mind of “can’t”, you can do anything. Everything. Without fail.
Wait, before you leave!
Most of you know that this article was written purely in jest, but I want to make doubly sure that’s clear. Obviously, these are things to NOT do.
My intent wasn’t to joke or make light out of serious conditions (like impostor syndrome or living paycheck-to-paycheck). Instead, these are very real things that people struggle with. And if we aren’t careful, they might get us, too.
None of us are truly immune from any of this.
Lastly, thanks for reading! 🙂
Steve is a 38-year-old early retiree who writes about the intersection of happiness and financial independence. Steve is a regular contributor to MarketWatch, CNBC, and The Ladders. He lives full-time in his 30′ Airstream Classic and travels the country with his wife Courtney and two rescued dogs.